(Eddie would give up seeing his mother's horrified face a million times over just to enjoy the feeling of Richie's hand in his hair. Of his warm, heavy body beneath him. Eddie stares back at Richie, and he wondered if Richie really was always planning on making some sort of move.)
We've been here for months. (Eddie doesn't know what he's trying to say with that. Or rather, he does, but he's just slightly too drunk to even realize how plainly he's put it out there. He wants to point out that they haven't exactly gotten up to anything beyond what's been required of them, but he's too distracted by the last statement.
Eddie thought about that a lot too, and it gets a thoughtful look growing on his face.)
I always wonder about that. I mean. I wouldn't sleep with any of the others, y'know? (The other Losers, he means, and he makes a small gesture.) It'd be weird. Bill's like my brother and everyone else just isn't my type and pretty plain in general. I guess that's why we were all Losers sorta, but...I mean you wound up real hot. Although I always thought you were.
(Which he didn't mean as any real offense to their friends, but he simply wasn't attracted to any of them.)
So yeah, obviously. I don't wanna be here with anyone else but you either. Talk about a nightmare.
[Mrs. K was out of the picture and now it was just him and Eddie, the way he'd always wanted it. Maybe not in the circumstances that they'd gotten together in, but the two of them all the same. The way he always thought they'd be.]
Yeah, I know. I guess I'm not as smooth as I like to think I am.
[Not even a little bit, he was a bundle of nerves around Eddie. Always concerned that he might misstep or that if things were less than perfect that they'd fall apart. It was a fragile and rare thing that had to be treated with care, not because of Eddie, but because it's all that he ever wanted.]
I haven't really been looking. [It takes Richie a moment for him to realize that Eddie was referencing the other losers, and he clicks his jaw shut before he says anything else he might regret. Him not having a vested interest in anyone else where they were now wasn't a good thing for either of them but those feelings can't be helped.] Oh, yeah, no Bill was a brother and the others were, well... Stanley was my best friend, kind of y'know, my very real Jiminy Cricket. I never looked at any of them the way I looked at you.
[And they were always looking at each other, stealing glances over the tops or the backs of their school books. Trading longing looks in the barrens and at the quarry. His entire life could be concentrated into a series of desperate looks toward Eddie, and wordless pleas.]
You grew up like I thought you would. Cute. Better with time, like some aged scotch or wine. I loved you as a kid, I mean, but now - you're really... just- [Richie holds a hand out, trying to explain just how attractive he was from the muscular tone to his thighs, his bubble-but, his torso, and legs but the words fail him. He smiles, sweetly, something proud in the way he dips his eyes down though barely able to see and leans in to aim a gentle kiss to Eddie's mouth. Actions spoke louder, after all.]
You thought you were smooth? (Eddie's only teasing Richie, and as much is evident by the smile on his face. The only real problem was that he didn't feel too convinced given everything that had been happening lately. If he were more sober he'd press about what kept Richie from coming to him after moments.
It's all Eddie had ever wanted too, and because of that he felt more sensitive to the situation. He ran fast and loose in this city as he tried to catch up on decades of inexperience and sex-anxiety. He was half convinced that Richie was settling for him too, and Eddie didn't want that both for the sake of his own heart and Richie's. Eddie was trying to move on, trying to let go of something he was convinced didn't really exist. Mostly to keep their friendship safe.
Eddie knew that the longer they stayed here, the more jealous he'd become, the more insecure, and what happened when Richie found someone.
He smiles at Richie, softer, shyer. It was one of those moments where he felt Richie was being sincere, felt like there was something special between them. He was glad to know it hadn't just been him. They would have dated if they had just been given the time, and Eddie knew that was true. Knew that there was enough of something between them that it would have been inevitable.
But that had been thirty years ago. He wasn't so sure that carried over to now - at least for Richie. Eddie laughs quietly, looking down at himself before over at Richie.)
Ah yes. Cute. The word every near forty year old wants to hear. (It wasn't a complete rejection of the compliment, necessarily. It was more of a casual acceptance. "Cute" was probably the only word he'd ever really been given, and it was one of those things where sometimes it felt patronizing and other times it was sweet to hear. He doesn't know what Richie meant when Richie gestures him at first. He is about to sink back down when Richie gives him this look and Eddie is already melting long before Richie kisses him.
He forgets whatever insecurity had begun to nibble at him, and instead wraps his arms around Richie’s neck, kissing him back, his mouth curved up at the corners. It suddenly made Richie struggling along with this whole thing seem more endearing than frustrating. Eddie winds up straddled on his lap, though it is more for comfort than to start anything, and he uses it to indulge in the kiss.)
[All the time, in fact, in secret moments and some not-so-secret in front of the other losers and their best friends. It's easy, being with Eddie here - simple in a way he didn't think it would be. Richie might not have been completely honest with Eddie, and he was withholding serious stuff like his love, how desperate he was to be with him but sharing that in the face of the struggle just to survive here seemed selfish. He owed Eddie his life, and so much more than that.
When Eddie rebukes the cute comment Richie untangle his fingers from his and gives hi fm a gentle pinch to the cheek. A protest, sure, but an old call-back to the way they were. Before life sunk its teeth into the both of them.]
Mm. Cute. Yeah, I don't really daydream about being called sexy or you being into my shoulders either. Cute's what made me fall for you the first time, so maybe try not to be such a little shit about it.
[The place he pinched gets a soft smack, the palm of his hand landing with more of a pat than anything firm or aggressive. Richie's placated by the kiss and would've gone onto to talk about his ass, his chest, the way his arms were now more defined by the liplock steals those words and replaces them with a hungry need.
I love you
God, the words echo in his brain and he silences them by using his tongue to push past the seam of Eddie's lips and taste the remnants of alcohol on his tongue. He's clean, soft, and the flavor of Eddie combined with the scent of the bath salts makes his head spin.
That just means I have weird taste. (He's definitely not denying Richie's prowess. How could he? Eddie blushed easily enough, but no one alive had ever made him blush as hard as Richie always managed. He was constantly doing or saying things that had Eddie flushing, even now, all these years later. They were both guilty of holding back information, of keeping certain secrets. But they were both trying to some extent too.
After all, they were laying together in a tub kissing, right? That must have been some sort of improvement. Maybe. Eddie had to recognize that at least some part of why he hadn't said anything more explicit, why he hadn't asked more direct questions, had mostly been out of fear. Fear of rejection, but also fear of the big What-If if this really was mutual. There were so many people in the city who insisted that monogamy and commitment were impossible here. Eddie wasn't so sure how true that was, but if it was, he didn't like to think of the struggles they'd have to go through.
None of the gritty details were on his mind just then. Mostly because Richie was proving himself and his own unique brand of smoothness with that clarification on the cute remark. It's clear Eddie's listening, and this time he doesn't rebuke the compliment, but instead looks mildly sheepish.)
Okay. Okay, you've got me. (When Richie put it like that, 'cute' certainly didn't seem so bad at all. In fact it seemed a hell of a lot better than anything else out there. The words fall for you for the first time are loud and clear in his head, but Richie's pinching his cheek and distracting him. His nose crinkles up the way it used to when they were kids and he makes a pitched noise at the light smack.)
Richard. (He cuts the word out and gives Richie the world's most authentic pout.) I have a reputation to uphold here. We have a thing. You call me cute and I whine about it.
(Old-school flirting.
There's sentiment returned on the kiss, Eddie sliding his tongue back against Richie's, and he sinks into the feeling. A silent I love you too. Sometimes, sometimes they really didn't need words or confirmations. Sometimes Eddie really did just know even if he'd pretend not to later. He's languid against Richie, and he's a little too into it. He breaks the kiss with a low groan, dropping his forehead against Richie's shoulder.)
We gotta stop. I'm getting turned on but the system's off for the night, I think. Too much scotch. Sorry. (He picks his head back up and gives Richie and earnest look.)
Unless you want me to...? (Get Richie off? He really wouldn't mind. Some part of him would even like it. A huge part of him.)
[No he isn't. They always did love each other, found each other in the worst circumstances, and even before they kissed and had something to pursue, their hands would touch, their eyes would meet. It was like fate, and Richie still felt that now. Why else would they end up together like this now? Here?
The thing they had was so much more than some friends with benefits type of deal. He wanted even more, but his fear of rejection only stacked onto the fear that this place would find a way to separate them for good if they didn't follow their rules.]
Eds, we don't have to do anything. We can just be like this, you know?
[Kiss, touch, and eventually fall asleep is what he meant. Not everything had to be about sex. It was good enough to just be close with him like this, and Richie leans in to place another gentle kiss to the corner of Eddie's mouth.]
As much as I want to fuck you properly, I didn't come over thinking I'd get lucky. I came because I like spending time with you.
(It always came back to each other. Always came back to Richie Tozier. He was soulmates with all of the Losers in a platonic sense, but with Richie it was another level altogether. He had died for this man. Would again. It really was telling that they got their second chance here.
Eddie settles back, and some odd tension breaks off that he hadn't even realized he'd been carrying with him.)
Okay, yeah. (Eddie smiles with some shyness. He really never had any sort of relationship like this before, and he sure as hell hadn't lived in Sex City - and shit, neither had Richie. He rests his hands against his chest, feeling warmer, better somehow than even a few seconds ago.)
You're right. Sorry. I just want to be - (He hesitates, looking at Richie, looking for the right words.)
Good. For you. For...us. (The fabled "us" Richie had mentioned before.) I guess I'm still trying to figure out how the sex part factors into that.
(Maybe it was okay to be a little honest, right? He wanted it to be clear that he saw this relationship as special. Like it was worth working on, and something he didn't see casually.)
I'm pretty sure you've fucked me properly before, dude. I have very distinct memories of a proper fucking. (That one went over his head a bit because yeah, oops, he thought Richie just meant it in the most basic sense.)
[For a long time Richie wasn't sure what he was missing, the call from Mike changed everything. He hadn't thrown up because of nerves, or fear, it was everything bubbling up at once. What he remembered of Eddie, what he remembered about himself. It was enough to make his stomach roil.
Now, he couldn't think about a world without Eddie. A world without him would be a dark, dull place. A place he didn't want to live in, and couldn't imagine without some sense of fear and foreboding.]
You're perfect the way you were. You don't have to be anything for me, Eddie, just you.
[It was always just him. Eddie was so much more than his interpretation of himself. He was this dynamic unattainable thing growing up, but at the same tie the only person that he ever wanted to be around.]
No, I mean without peer pressure, or drugs, or anything. Just me and you without anything extra involved.
[Richie had definitely filled him up in the best of ways before, but it would be even better to just do it like they normally would have. Without a ritual or some aphrodisiacs to loosen them up. A real first time, without any extras to distract them.]
I would've come if you were sober and just mentioned it in passing. What made you party so hard tonight?
(Richie wasn't usually so transparent, and Eddie was half-overwhelmed by the bluntness. It was one of those moments that made him wonder if he really should be trying to look elsewhere, if he really shouldn't just tell Richie what he was feeling. Sometimes, sometimes he thought maybe they had something worth being brave for.)
I'd like to point out that me being me includes me being anxious about everything we do. (He laughs a little, mostly at himself, and eases back to look at Richie, and despite his words he felt oddly calm tonight.
Eddie looks surprised then. Not a hurt surprised, just a genuine flicker of the eyes and his mouth popping open before shutting. He grows still in the tub, fingers lightly digging in against Richie.)
You want that? (His voice is soft and shuttered, almost fearful of what Richie was going to say, but there was hope too.)
Oh...You know. (Eddie makes a small gesture before looking away from Richie. It wasn't for any fun reason, and Eddie knew that looked a bit shady to be drinking on your own. He knew Richie understood that better than most people.) I don't usually do this. It's just some nights I really don't want to take pills, but I need them, so I try to - I don't know. Compensate?
(With alcohol. He was sincere when he said it wasn't a common thing for thing. Once in a blue moon he just hated the idea of swallowing another pill, but he needed to soften his own edges somehow.)
[The word bitter is on the tip of his tongue but he wants to hear Eddie answer that one. Giving jokes to him was just another favorite past time.]
We've covered this. I'm into it. Everything about you. The anxious part of you and the bratty part of you. Basically all parts of you.
Specifically certain parts of you.
[The stillness makes Richie think he might've flubbed it again. Romance as much as he loved it, wasn't his strong suit. He didn't just sweep anyone off his feet, no, he was work too. That's why they worked well together.]
Of course.
[It had been on his mind since the very beginning, since the night that they had gone all the way. Richie wanted to really do it, without outside interference but the idea of that made his heart beat wildly against the bars of his ribcage like a contained animal.]
I get it. I mean, I've told you enough - sometimes it's important to feel like you've got the control.
[Even though neither of them did, there was a weird regime and they had to answer to it the same way everyone else did. They had the benefit of being given better roles in this society but the message remained the same.]
An emotionally closed off asshole who's difficult to read even on a good day?
(Coming from anyone else that might have been a biting criticism, but Eddie doesn't say it like it's actually the worst thing ever. Just like Richie had fallen in love with the difficult parts about Eddie, Eddie had fallen in love with Richie and all of his walls and the way he guarded himself with ten layers of jokes. Half the time it was Richie's personality that wound up making Eddie a better version of himself anyway. He knew Richie was probably the most loving of the Losers. He just loved differently than most. Eddie was clearly fine with that.
His mouth pops open in mock-offense, a faux gasp leaving him.)
Bratty? I've...never been bratty a day in my life. Excuse you.
(But he's already grinning, not quite able to keep up that facade. Eddie wasn't much better at the romance thing either. That grin's gentler, nervous. He had been wanting to do it for real with Richie too, and some part of him was crushingly insecure about how long it's taken. He had figured he wasn't enough for Richie. His mouth gives a telling tremble and he's looking down at the water.)
I just figured...(He pauses, wondering how much he should really give away. But he's drunk enough that he doesn't wonder for too long.)
I wasn't sure...if you even wanted to? It's just. I never wanted you to feel pressured, but then I get scared if I don't try and...I don't know...seduce you or something then you might...
(Become disinterested. Leave. Find someone better. Eddie doesn't say any of that. He gives a tiny sniff, rubbing at the tip of his own nose.
He looks back up at Richie, giving a small nod.)
Yeah. I guess. I don't even know if it's about control for me. I don't think I've ever been in control of anything all my life. It's mostly because I feel I have to. Or...Because it feels like it's the only real way I know how to live anymore. I just try to make myself feel less.
(It's a blunt admission, but he figures he might as well admit as much to Richie. In this place it felt more important than ever to work numbly.)
Yeah, well, you already used me so now you can't return me.
[Richie might as well be miming his younger self tonight. He's a pile of goo in the tub across from Eddie, lulled into absolute bliss from the warm water and their kiss from earlier.]
You've been bratty every single day of your life, whoever told you that you and never bratty all existed in the same sentence was a liar.
[The joking is easy, the discussion about the semantics of sex? Not so much. Richie leans forward and meets Eddie's nervous look with a slightly uncomfortable look of his own. Talking feelings wasn't ever his strong suit.]
Yeah, I want to. I didn't feel pressured, dude, it's just- I didn't want to mess anything up.
[That's what he did, after all. That was his place in the losers club as the loveable fuck up. All he was good for was some well-timed jokes and not knowing when to quit.]
I'll be honest. Control's a myth, but I like you - I mean, even when you're high strung and freaking out. So, you don't have to water yourself down around me. I like my Eddie pure and unfiltered.
Is that the policy? Well, thank goodness I didn't have plans to replace you anytime soon.
(Eddie was full-on smirking between Richie's joke at himself and then Richie's joke about him being bratty.)
I said that. Guess I'm the liar. (Which he was fine with. His eyes were sparkling a little, but there's a shift to serious and he frowns at Richie.)
You're not gonna mess anything up. If anything I feel like I'm the one who's probably gonna fuck us over. You're like. Significantly more mature about this place than I am.
(Eddie's been having tantrums and meltdowns every other day it felt like. Even if he didn't project all of them all the time.)
I like you too, Richie. The real deal. Trashmouth and all. You're pretty much it for me.
[Richie mirrors Eddie's smile, tempted to lean in and kiss him. That urge gets replaced with the shift in conversation, and instead of doing that he reaches forward and loops his fingers into Eddie's.]
I'm pretty sure that's the only time anyone's ever said that I'm mature.
And you're my spaghetti head. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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(Eddie would give up seeing his mother's horrified face a million times over just to enjoy the feeling of Richie's hand in his hair. Of his warm, heavy body beneath him. Eddie stares back at Richie, and he wondered if Richie really was always planning on making some sort of move.)
We've been here for months. (Eddie doesn't know what he's trying to say with that. Or rather, he does, but he's just slightly too drunk to even realize how plainly he's put it out there. He wants to point out that they haven't exactly gotten up to anything beyond what's been required of them, but he's too distracted by the last statement.
Eddie thought about that a lot too, and it gets a thoughtful look growing on his face.)
I always wonder about that. I mean. I wouldn't sleep with any of the others, y'know? (The other Losers, he means, and he makes a small gesture.) It'd be weird. Bill's like my brother and everyone else just isn't my type and pretty plain in general. I guess that's why we were all Losers sorta, but...I mean you wound up real hot. Although I always thought you were.
(Which he didn't mean as any real offense to their friends, but he simply wasn't attracted to any of them.)
So yeah, obviously. I don't wanna be here with anyone else but you either. Talk about a nightmare.
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Yeah, I know. I guess I'm not as smooth as I like to think I am.
[Not even a little bit, he was a bundle of nerves around Eddie. Always concerned that he might misstep or that if things were less than perfect that they'd fall apart. It was a fragile and rare thing that had to be treated with care, not because of Eddie, but because it's all that he ever wanted.]
I haven't really been looking. [It takes Richie a moment for him to realize that Eddie was referencing the other losers, and he clicks his jaw shut before he says anything else he might regret. Him not having a vested interest in anyone else where they were now wasn't a good thing for either of them but those feelings can't be helped.] Oh, yeah, no Bill was a brother and the others were, well... Stanley was my best friend, kind of y'know, my very real Jiminy Cricket. I never looked at any of them the way I looked at you.
[And they were always looking at each other, stealing glances over the tops or the backs of their school books. Trading longing looks in the barrens and at the quarry. His entire life could be concentrated into a series of desperate looks toward Eddie, and wordless pleas.]
You grew up like I thought you would. Cute. Better with time, like some aged scotch or wine. I loved you as a kid, I mean, but now - you're really... just- [Richie holds a hand out, trying to explain just how attractive he was from the muscular tone to his thighs, his bubble-but, his torso, and legs but the words fail him. He smiles, sweetly, something proud in the way he dips his eyes down though barely able to see and leans in to aim a gentle kiss to Eddie's mouth. Actions spoke louder, after all.]
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It's all Eddie had ever wanted too, and because of that he felt more sensitive to the situation. He ran fast and loose in this city as he tried to catch up on decades of inexperience and sex-anxiety. He was half convinced that Richie was settling for him too, and Eddie didn't want that both for the sake of his own heart and Richie's. Eddie was trying to move on, trying to let go of something he was convinced didn't really exist. Mostly to keep their friendship safe.
Eddie knew that the longer they stayed here, the more jealous he'd become, the more insecure, and what happened when Richie found someone.
He smiles at Richie, softer, shyer. It was one of those moments where he felt Richie was being sincere, felt like there was something special between them. He was glad to know it hadn't just been him. They would have dated if they had just been given the time, and Eddie knew that was true. Knew that there was enough of something between them that it would have been inevitable.
But that had been thirty years ago. He wasn't so sure that carried over to now - at least for Richie. Eddie laughs quietly, looking down at himself before over at Richie.)
Ah yes. Cute. The word every near forty year old wants to hear. (It wasn't a complete rejection of the compliment, necessarily. It was more of a casual acceptance. "Cute" was probably the only word he'd ever really been given, and it was one of those things where sometimes it felt patronizing and other times it was sweet to hear. He doesn't know what Richie meant when Richie gestures him at first. He is about to sink back down when Richie gives him this look and Eddie is already melting long before Richie kisses him.
He forgets whatever insecurity had begun to nibble at him, and instead wraps his arms around Richie’s neck, kissing him back, his mouth curved up at the corners. It suddenly made Richie struggling along with this whole thing seem more endearing than frustrating. Eddie winds up straddled on his lap, though it is more for comfort than to start anything, and he uses it to indulge in the kiss.)
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[All the time, in fact, in secret moments and some not-so-secret in front of the other losers and their best friends. It's easy, being with Eddie here - simple in a way he didn't think it would be. Richie might not have been completely honest with Eddie, and he was withholding serious stuff like his love, how desperate he was to be with him but sharing that in the face of the struggle just to survive here seemed selfish. He owed Eddie his life, and so much more than that.
When Eddie rebukes the cute comment Richie untangle his fingers from his and gives hi fm a gentle pinch to the cheek. A protest, sure, but an old call-back to the way they were. Before life sunk its teeth into the both of them.]
Mm. Cute. Yeah, I don't really daydream about being called sexy or you being into my shoulders either. Cute's what made me fall for you the first time, so maybe try not to be such a little shit about it.
[The place he pinched gets a soft smack, the palm of his hand landing with more of a pat than anything firm or aggressive. Richie's placated by the kiss and would've gone onto to talk about his ass, his chest, the way his arms were now more defined by the liplock steals those words and replaces them with a hungry need.
I love you
God, the words echo in his brain and he silences them by using his tongue to push past the seam of Eddie's lips and taste the remnants of alcohol on his tongue. He's clean, soft, and the flavor of Eddie combined with the scent of the bath salts makes his head spin.
Fuck.]
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After all, they were laying together in a tub kissing, right? That must have been some sort of improvement. Maybe. Eddie had to recognize that at least some part of why he hadn't said anything more explicit, why he hadn't asked more direct questions, had mostly been out of fear. Fear of rejection, but also fear of the big What-If if this really was mutual. There were so many people in the city who insisted that monogamy and commitment were impossible here. Eddie wasn't so sure how true that was, but if it was, he didn't like to think of the struggles they'd have to go through.
None of the gritty details were on his mind just then. Mostly because Richie was proving himself and his own unique brand of smoothness with that clarification on the cute remark. It's clear Eddie's listening, and this time he doesn't rebuke the compliment, but instead looks mildly sheepish.)
Okay. Okay, you've got me. (When Richie put it like that, 'cute' certainly didn't seem so bad at all. In fact it seemed a hell of a lot better than anything else out there. The words fall for you for the first time are loud and clear in his head, but Richie's pinching his cheek and distracting him. His nose crinkles up the way it used to when they were kids and he makes a pitched noise at the light smack.)
Richard. (He cuts the word out and gives Richie the world's most authentic pout.) I have a reputation to uphold here. We have a thing. You call me cute and I whine about it.
(Old-school flirting.
There's sentiment returned on the kiss, Eddie sliding his tongue back against Richie's, and he sinks into the feeling. A silent I love you too. Sometimes, sometimes they really didn't need words or confirmations. Sometimes Eddie really did just know even if he'd pretend not to later. He's languid against Richie, and he's a little too into it. He breaks the kiss with a low groan, dropping his forehead against Richie's shoulder.)
We gotta stop. I'm getting turned on but the system's off for the night, I think. Too much scotch. Sorry. (He picks his head back up and gives Richie and earnest look.)
Unless you want me to...? (Get Richie off? He really wouldn't mind. Some part of him would even like it. A huge part of him.)
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[No he isn't. They always did love each other, found each other in the worst circumstances, and even before they kissed and had something to pursue, their hands would touch, their eyes would meet. It was like fate, and Richie still felt that now. Why else would they end up together like this now? Here?
The thing they had was so much more than some friends with benefits type of deal. He wanted even more, but his fear of rejection only stacked onto the fear that this place would find a way to separate them for good if they didn't follow their rules.]
Eds, we don't have to do anything. We can just be like this, you know?
[Kiss, touch, and eventually fall asleep is what he meant. Not everything had to be about sex. It was good enough to just be close with him like this, and Richie leans in to place another gentle kiss to the corner of Eddie's mouth.]
As much as I want to fuck you properly, I didn't come over thinking I'd get lucky. I came because I like spending time with you.
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Eddie settles back, and some odd tension breaks off that he hadn't even realized he'd been carrying with him.)
Okay, yeah. (Eddie smiles with some shyness. He really never had any sort of relationship like this before, and he sure as hell hadn't lived in Sex City - and shit, neither had Richie. He rests his hands against his chest, feeling warmer, better somehow than even a few seconds ago.)
You're right. Sorry. I just want to be - (He hesitates, looking at Richie, looking for the right words.)
Good. For you. For...us. (The fabled "us" Richie had mentioned before.) I guess I'm still trying to figure out how the sex part factors into that.
(Maybe it was okay to be a little honest, right? He wanted it to be clear that he saw this relationship as special. Like it was worth working on, and something he didn't see casually.)
I'm pretty sure you've fucked me properly before, dude. I have very distinct memories of a proper fucking. (That one went over his head a bit because yeah, oops, he thought Richie just meant it in the most basic sense.)
And because I'm drunk and begged you.
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Now, he couldn't think about a world without Eddie. A world without him would be a dark, dull place. A place he didn't want to live in, and couldn't imagine without some sense of fear and foreboding.]
You're perfect the way you were. You don't have to be anything for me, Eddie, just you.
[It was always just him. Eddie was so much more than his interpretation of himself. He was this dynamic unattainable thing growing up, but at the same tie the only person that he ever wanted to be around.]
No, I mean without peer pressure, or drugs, or anything. Just me and you without anything extra involved.
[Richie had definitely filled him up in the best of ways before, but it would be even better to just do it like they normally would have. Without a ritual or some aphrodisiacs to loosen them up. A real first time, without any extras to distract them.]
I would've come if you were sober and just mentioned it in passing. What made you party so hard tonight?
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(Richie wasn't usually so transparent, and Eddie was half-overwhelmed by the bluntness. It was one of those moments that made him wonder if he really should be trying to look elsewhere, if he really shouldn't just tell Richie what he was feeling. Sometimes, sometimes he thought maybe they had something worth being brave for.)
I'd like to point out that me being me includes me being anxious about everything we do. (He laughs a little, mostly at himself, and eases back to look at Richie, and despite his words he felt oddly calm tonight.
Eddie looks surprised then. Not a hurt surprised, just a genuine flicker of the eyes and his mouth popping open before shutting. He grows still in the tub, fingers lightly digging in against Richie.)
You want that? (His voice is soft and shuttered, almost fearful of what Richie was going to say, but there was hope too.)
Oh...You know. (Eddie makes a small gesture before looking away from Richie. It wasn't for any fun reason, and Eddie knew that looked a bit shady to be drinking on your own. He knew Richie understood that better than most people.) I don't usually do this. It's just some nights I really don't want to take pills, but I need them, so I try to - I don't know. Compensate?
(With alcohol. He was sincere when he said it wasn't a common thing for thing. Once in a blue moon he just hated the idea of swallowing another pill, but he needed to soften his own edges somehow.)
Then I suppose I got lonely.
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[The word bitter is on the tip of his tongue but he wants to hear Eddie answer that one. Giving jokes to him was just another favorite past time.]
We've covered this. I'm into it. Everything about you. The anxious part of you and the bratty part of you. Basically all parts of you.
Specifically certain parts of you.
[The stillness makes Richie think he might've flubbed it again. Romance as much as he loved it, wasn't his strong suit. He didn't just sweep anyone off his feet, no, he was work too. That's why they worked well together.]
Of course.
[It had been on his mind since the very beginning, since the night that they had gone all the way. Richie wanted to really do it, without outside interference but the idea of that made his heart beat wildly against the bars of his ribcage like a contained animal.]
I get it. I mean, I've told you enough - sometimes it's important to feel like you've got the control.
[Even though neither of them did, there was a weird regime and they had to answer to it the same way everyone else did. They had the benefit of being given better roles in this society but the message remained the same.]
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(Coming from anyone else that might have been a biting criticism, but Eddie doesn't say it like it's actually the worst thing ever. Just like Richie had fallen in love with the difficult parts about Eddie, Eddie had fallen in love with Richie and all of his walls and the way he guarded himself with ten layers of jokes. Half the time it was Richie's personality that wound up making Eddie a better version of himself anyway. He knew Richie was probably the most loving of the Losers. He just loved differently than most. Eddie was clearly fine with that.
His mouth pops open in mock-offense, a faux gasp leaving him.)
Bratty? I've...never been bratty a day in my life. Excuse you.
(But he's already grinning, not quite able to keep up that facade. Eddie wasn't much better at the romance thing either. That grin's gentler, nervous. He had been wanting to do it for real with Richie too, and some part of him was crushingly insecure about how long it's taken. He had figured he wasn't enough for Richie. His mouth gives a telling tremble and he's looking down at the water.)
I just figured...(He pauses, wondering how much he should really give away. But he's drunk enough that he doesn't wonder for too long.)
I wasn't sure...if you even wanted to? It's just. I never wanted you to feel pressured, but then I get scared if I don't try and...I don't know...seduce you or something then you might...
(Become disinterested. Leave. Find someone better. Eddie doesn't say any of that. He gives a tiny sniff, rubbing at the tip of his own nose.
He looks back up at Richie, giving a small nod.)
Yeah. I guess. I don't even know if it's about control for me. I don't think I've ever been in control of anything all my life. It's mostly because I feel I have to. Or...Because it feels like it's the only real way I know how to live anymore. I just try to make myself feel less.
(It's a blunt admission, but he figures he might as well admit as much to Richie. In this place it felt more important than ever to work numbly.)
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[Richie might as well be miming his younger self tonight. He's a pile of goo in the tub across from Eddie, lulled into absolute bliss from the warm water and their kiss from earlier.]
You've been bratty every single day of your life, whoever told you that you and never bratty all existed in the same sentence was a liar.
[The joking is easy, the discussion about the semantics of sex? Not so much. Richie leans forward and meets Eddie's nervous look with a slightly uncomfortable look of his own. Talking feelings wasn't ever his strong suit.]
Yeah, I want to. I didn't feel pressured, dude, it's just- I didn't want to mess anything up.
[That's what he did, after all. That was his place in the losers club as the loveable fuck up. All he was good for was some well-timed jokes and not knowing when to quit.]
I'll be honest. Control's a myth, but I like you - I mean, even when you're high strung and freaking out. So, you don't have to water yourself down around me. I like my Eddie pure and unfiltered.
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(Eddie was full-on smirking between Richie's joke at himself and then Richie's joke about him being bratty.)
I said that. Guess I'm the liar. (Which he was fine with. His eyes were sparkling a little, but there's a shift to serious and he frowns at Richie.)
You're not gonna mess anything up. If anything I feel like I'm the one who's probably gonna fuck us over. You're like. Significantly more mature about this place than I am.
(Eddie's been having tantrums and meltdowns every other day it felt like. Even if he didn't project all of them all the time.)
I like you too, Richie. The real deal. Trashmouth and all. You're pretty much it for me.
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[Richie mirrors Eddie's smile, tempted to lean in and kiss him. That urge gets replaced with the shift in conversation, and instead of doing that he reaches forward and loops his fingers into Eddie's.]
I'm pretty sure that's the only time anyone's ever said that I'm mature.
And you're my spaghetti head. I wouldn't have it any other way.