[For a long time Richie wasn't sure what he was missing, the call from Mike changed everything. He hadn't thrown up because of nerves, or fear, it was everything bubbling up at once. What he remembered of Eddie, what he remembered about himself. It was enough to make his stomach roil.
Now, he couldn't think about a world without Eddie. A world without him would be a dark, dull place. A place he didn't want to live in, and couldn't imagine without some sense of fear and foreboding.]
You're perfect the way you were. You don't have to be anything for me, Eddie, just you.
[It was always just him. Eddie was so much more than his interpretation of himself. He was this dynamic unattainable thing growing up, but at the same tie the only person that he ever wanted to be around.]
No, I mean without peer pressure, or drugs, or anything. Just me and you without anything extra involved.
[Richie had definitely filled him up in the best of ways before, but it would be even better to just do it like they normally would have. Without a ritual or some aphrodisiacs to loosen them up. A real first time, without any extras to distract them.]
I would've come if you were sober and just mentioned it in passing. What made you party so hard tonight?
(Richie wasn't usually so transparent, and Eddie was half-overwhelmed by the bluntness. It was one of those moments that made him wonder if he really should be trying to look elsewhere, if he really shouldn't just tell Richie what he was feeling. Sometimes, sometimes he thought maybe they had something worth being brave for.)
I'd like to point out that me being me includes me being anxious about everything we do. (He laughs a little, mostly at himself, and eases back to look at Richie, and despite his words he felt oddly calm tonight.
Eddie looks surprised then. Not a hurt surprised, just a genuine flicker of the eyes and his mouth popping open before shutting. He grows still in the tub, fingers lightly digging in against Richie.)
You want that? (His voice is soft and shuttered, almost fearful of what Richie was going to say, but there was hope too.)
Oh...You know. (Eddie makes a small gesture before looking away from Richie. It wasn't for any fun reason, and Eddie knew that looked a bit shady to be drinking on your own. He knew Richie understood that better than most people.) I don't usually do this. It's just some nights I really don't want to take pills, but I need them, so I try to - I don't know. Compensate?
(With alcohol. He was sincere when he said it wasn't a common thing for thing. Once in a blue moon he just hated the idea of swallowing another pill, but he needed to soften his own edges somehow.)
[The word bitter is on the tip of his tongue but he wants to hear Eddie answer that one. Giving jokes to him was just another favorite past time.]
We've covered this. I'm into it. Everything about you. The anxious part of you and the bratty part of you. Basically all parts of you.
Specifically certain parts of you.
[The stillness makes Richie think he might've flubbed it again. Romance as much as he loved it, wasn't his strong suit. He didn't just sweep anyone off his feet, no, he was work too. That's why they worked well together.]
Of course.
[It had been on his mind since the very beginning, since the night that they had gone all the way. Richie wanted to really do it, without outside interference but the idea of that made his heart beat wildly against the bars of his ribcage like a contained animal.]
I get it. I mean, I've told you enough - sometimes it's important to feel like you've got the control.
[Even though neither of them did, there was a weird regime and they had to answer to it the same way everyone else did. They had the benefit of being given better roles in this society but the message remained the same.]
An emotionally closed off asshole who's difficult to read even on a good day?
(Coming from anyone else that might have been a biting criticism, but Eddie doesn't say it like it's actually the worst thing ever. Just like Richie had fallen in love with the difficult parts about Eddie, Eddie had fallen in love with Richie and all of his walls and the way he guarded himself with ten layers of jokes. Half the time it was Richie's personality that wound up making Eddie a better version of himself anyway. He knew Richie was probably the most loving of the Losers. He just loved differently than most. Eddie was clearly fine with that.
His mouth pops open in mock-offense, a faux gasp leaving him.)
Bratty? I've...never been bratty a day in my life. Excuse you.
(But he's already grinning, not quite able to keep up that facade. Eddie wasn't much better at the romance thing either. That grin's gentler, nervous. He had been wanting to do it for real with Richie too, and some part of him was crushingly insecure about how long it's taken. He had figured he wasn't enough for Richie. His mouth gives a telling tremble and he's looking down at the water.)
I just figured...(He pauses, wondering how much he should really give away. But he's drunk enough that he doesn't wonder for too long.)
I wasn't sure...if you even wanted to? It's just. I never wanted you to feel pressured, but then I get scared if I don't try and...I don't know...seduce you or something then you might...
(Become disinterested. Leave. Find someone better. Eddie doesn't say any of that. He gives a tiny sniff, rubbing at the tip of his own nose.
He looks back up at Richie, giving a small nod.)
Yeah. I guess. I don't even know if it's about control for me. I don't think I've ever been in control of anything all my life. It's mostly because I feel I have to. Or...Because it feels like it's the only real way I know how to live anymore. I just try to make myself feel less.
(It's a blunt admission, but he figures he might as well admit as much to Richie. In this place it felt more important than ever to work numbly.)
Yeah, well, you already used me so now you can't return me.
[Richie might as well be miming his younger self tonight. He's a pile of goo in the tub across from Eddie, lulled into absolute bliss from the warm water and their kiss from earlier.]
You've been bratty every single day of your life, whoever told you that you and never bratty all existed in the same sentence was a liar.
[The joking is easy, the discussion about the semantics of sex? Not so much. Richie leans forward and meets Eddie's nervous look with a slightly uncomfortable look of his own. Talking feelings wasn't ever his strong suit.]
Yeah, I want to. I didn't feel pressured, dude, it's just- I didn't want to mess anything up.
[That's what he did, after all. That was his place in the losers club as the loveable fuck up. All he was good for was some well-timed jokes and not knowing when to quit.]
I'll be honest. Control's a myth, but I like you - I mean, even when you're high strung and freaking out. So, you don't have to water yourself down around me. I like my Eddie pure and unfiltered.
Is that the policy? Well, thank goodness I didn't have plans to replace you anytime soon.
(Eddie was full-on smirking between Richie's joke at himself and then Richie's joke about him being bratty.)
I said that. Guess I'm the liar. (Which he was fine with. His eyes were sparkling a little, but there's a shift to serious and he frowns at Richie.)
You're not gonna mess anything up. If anything I feel like I'm the one who's probably gonna fuck us over. You're like. Significantly more mature about this place than I am.
(Eddie's been having tantrums and meltdowns every other day it felt like. Even if he didn't project all of them all the time.)
I like you too, Richie. The real deal. Trashmouth and all. You're pretty much it for me.
[Richie mirrors Eddie's smile, tempted to lean in and kiss him. That urge gets replaced with the shift in conversation, and instead of doing that he reaches forward and loops his fingers into Eddie's.]
I'm pretty sure that's the only time anyone's ever said that I'm mature.
And you're my spaghetti head. I wouldn't have it any other way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Now, he couldn't think about a world without Eddie. A world without him would be a dark, dull place. A place he didn't want to live in, and couldn't imagine without some sense of fear and foreboding.]
You're perfect the way you were. You don't have to be anything for me, Eddie, just you.
[It was always just him. Eddie was so much more than his interpretation of himself. He was this dynamic unattainable thing growing up, but at the same tie the only person that he ever wanted to be around.]
No, I mean without peer pressure, or drugs, or anything. Just me and you without anything extra involved.
[Richie had definitely filled him up in the best of ways before, but it would be even better to just do it like they normally would have. Without a ritual or some aphrodisiacs to loosen them up. A real first time, without any extras to distract them.]
I would've come if you were sober and just mentioned it in passing. What made you party so hard tonight?
no subject
(Richie wasn't usually so transparent, and Eddie was half-overwhelmed by the bluntness. It was one of those moments that made him wonder if he really should be trying to look elsewhere, if he really shouldn't just tell Richie what he was feeling. Sometimes, sometimes he thought maybe they had something worth being brave for.)
I'd like to point out that me being me includes me being anxious about everything we do. (He laughs a little, mostly at himself, and eases back to look at Richie, and despite his words he felt oddly calm tonight.
Eddie looks surprised then. Not a hurt surprised, just a genuine flicker of the eyes and his mouth popping open before shutting. He grows still in the tub, fingers lightly digging in against Richie.)
You want that? (His voice is soft and shuttered, almost fearful of what Richie was going to say, but there was hope too.)
Oh...You know. (Eddie makes a small gesture before looking away from Richie. It wasn't for any fun reason, and Eddie knew that looked a bit shady to be drinking on your own. He knew Richie understood that better than most people.) I don't usually do this. It's just some nights I really don't want to take pills, but I need them, so I try to - I don't know. Compensate?
(With alcohol. He was sincere when he said it wasn't a common thing for thing. Once in a blue moon he just hated the idea of swallowing another pill, but he needed to soften his own edges somehow.)
Then I suppose I got lonely.
no subject
[The word bitter is on the tip of his tongue but he wants to hear Eddie answer that one. Giving jokes to him was just another favorite past time.]
We've covered this. I'm into it. Everything about you. The anxious part of you and the bratty part of you. Basically all parts of you.
Specifically certain parts of you.
[The stillness makes Richie think he might've flubbed it again. Romance as much as he loved it, wasn't his strong suit. He didn't just sweep anyone off his feet, no, he was work too. That's why they worked well together.]
Of course.
[It had been on his mind since the very beginning, since the night that they had gone all the way. Richie wanted to really do it, without outside interference but the idea of that made his heart beat wildly against the bars of his ribcage like a contained animal.]
I get it. I mean, I've told you enough - sometimes it's important to feel like you've got the control.
[Even though neither of them did, there was a weird regime and they had to answer to it the same way everyone else did. They had the benefit of being given better roles in this society but the message remained the same.]
no subject
(Coming from anyone else that might have been a biting criticism, but Eddie doesn't say it like it's actually the worst thing ever. Just like Richie had fallen in love with the difficult parts about Eddie, Eddie had fallen in love with Richie and all of his walls and the way he guarded himself with ten layers of jokes. Half the time it was Richie's personality that wound up making Eddie a better version of himself anyway. He knew Richie was probably the most loving of the Losers. He just loved differently than most. Eddie was clearly fine with that.
His mouth pops open in mock-offense, a faux gasp leaving him.)
Bratty? I've...never been bratty a day in my life. Excuse you.
(But he's already grinning, not quite able to keep up that facade. Eddie wasn't much better at the romance thing either. That grin's gentler, nervous. He had been wanting to do it for real with Richie too, and some part of him was crushingly insecure about how long it's taken. He had figured he wasn't enough for Richie. His mouth gives a telling tremble and he's looking down at the water.)
I just figured...(He pauses, wondering how much he should really give away. But he's drunk enough that he doesn't wonder for too long.)
I wasn't sure...if you even wanted to? It's just. I never wanted you to feel pressured, but then I get scared if I don't try and...I don't know...seduce you or something then you might...
(Become disinterested. Leave. Find someone better. Eddie doesn't say any of that. He gives a tiny sniff, rubbing at the tip of his own nose.
He looks back up at Richie, giving a small nod.)
Yeah. I guess. I don't even know if it's about control for me. I don't think I've ever been in control of anything all my life. It's mostly because I feel I have to. Or...Because it feels like it's the only real way I know how to live anymore. I just try to make myself feel less.
(It's a blunt admission, but he figures he might as well admit as much to Richie. In this place it felt more important than ever to work numbly.)
no subject
[Richie might as well be miming his younger self tonight. He's a pile of goo in the tub across from Eddie, lulled into absolute bliss from the warm water and their kiss from earlier.]
You've been bratty every single day of your life, whoever told you that you and never bratty all existed in the same sentence was a liar.
[The joking is easy, the discussion about the semantics of sex? Not so much. Richie leans forward and meets Eddie's nervous look with a slightly uncomfortable look of his own. Talking feelings wasn't ever his strong suit.]
Yeah, I want to. I didn't feel pressured, dude, it's just- I didn't want to mess anything up.
[That's what he did, after all. That was his place in the losers club as the loveable fuck up. All he was good for was some well-timed jokes and not knowing when to quit.]
I'll be honest. Control's a myth, but I like you - I mean, even when you're high strung and freaking out. So, you don't have to water yourself down around me. I like my Eddie pure and unfiltered.
no subject
(Eddie was full-on smirking between Richie's joke at himself and then Richie's joke about him being bratty.)
I said that. Guess I'm the liar. (Which he was fine with. His eyes were sparkling a little, but there's a shift to serious and he frowns at Richie.)
You're not gonna mess anything up. If anything I feel like I'm the one who's probably gonna fuck us over. You're like. Significantly more mature about this place than I am.
(Eddie's been having tantrums and meltdowns every other day it felt like. Even if he didn't project all of them all the time.)
I like you too, Richie. The real deal. Trashmouth and all. You're pretty much it for me.
no subject
[Richie mirrors Eddie's smile, tempted to lean in and kiss him. That urge gets replaced with the shift in conversation, and instead of doing that he reaches forward and loops his fingers into Eddie's.]
I'm pretty sure that's the only time anyone's ever said that I'm mature.
And you're my spaghetti head. I wouldn't have it any other way.